Over the past 2 weeks, I finally hit my first 2o pound weight loss goal! It feels great to be able to wear many of my old clothes that haven't fit me in the last couple of years. Even my shoes are bigger?? Weird. And this week, I am finally back on track with working out, last night i even did some sprints at the end of my 30 minute jog. I have started doing some ab work too, which is essential since anyone who has had a baby (or 3!) knows about stretched out belly skin, ew. It's amazing what a little weight loss can do for a person. I am so much more confident now. But as I am reflecting on the past 2 months of this journey, i have come to realize this is about WAY more than weight loss.
I have really come to terms with my emotional connection with food. And I think I really broke my need to heal wounds with food, which is huge for me. It wasn't just using food as a way to numb my boredom and stress, I realize I also used food as a reward. But in taking the time to think about why i was doing this, I came to the conclusion that food is not the answer to my problems. It's just a band-aid like any other addiction. I began to think of it terms of an addiction to drugs or alcohol. What if I were to pick up a drink every time I was happy, sad, or stressed about something? I do not want to live that way. I know I am not free of this bad habit, but I am definitely rising above it. Using any substance, even food, as a way to numb emotion is just a way of avoiding what is going on in your life, and I need to be better than that. For me and my family. I want to be able to teach my kids how to do directly with their problems and emotions; not mask it over with a temporary fix.
I think my biggest break though of this realization came to me just a couple of weeks ago when we were going through a very difficult transition of Josh losing his job. This would be my biggest test because I had to deal with one of my biggest fears. And I did fall off the wagon, I did cheat, and I completely stopped working out. That's was I used to do. When things get stressful, I seize up. But one day when I was struggling with eating to ease my stress, Josh just looked me clear in the eye and said, remember, food is not the answer. It was just so obvious at that moment, and to hear it from him, is to hear it from someone who fully understands food addiction and has overcome it. So we just talked through it everyday, that we will be ok, this is all for the better (not being stuck in a dead end job), and we can use this as a chance to jump on things that we really have been wanting to do for a long time.
The reality is, every person has to find a way to deal with what is in front of them in life. Whether it be losing a job, losing a relationship, unhappiness with something in your life, etc... I think just being open with my husband and family is what helped me get "it". Just being honest with what is going on and how i really am feeling about it instead of bottling it up and putting on a happy face. And I feel that I (we) are in a better place because of that. So this is not really about food. It's no wonder we get caught up in food addiction as it is so in-our-face and easy to access. It's not as bad as saying you went and drank or took drugs to deal with your problems, so it is a "safe" alternative in people's minds. Writing this blog has helped tremendously because it forces me to be honest with myself and with others.
But it doesn't stop here for me. have more weight i want to lose and more fitness goals i want to achieve. I think we are really out-of-touch with our ideal body weight in this country. Just watching the show, Heavy, on A&E really points this out. People are sent to the grocery store with a dietician to re-learn how to shop. It's almost laughable to see what people think a portion size is, or what a healthy food is. It's sad, really, to see how bad the obesity problem is in our country, because it's not just about food. It's a reflection of our mental state and it isn't good. Shedding weight for me is also shedding layers of many other things as well. I feel more free than i have in a long time and i really hope to continue doing well.
